Rappers’ Dogs’ Instagram Accounts Hide a Darker Story

Frankly, I was embarrassed

The fabled hip hop magazine, XXL, dropped yet another scintillating example of quality rap journalism they have become known for in recent years. This latest piece, “5 Rappers’ Dogs With Their Own Instagram Account,” exposed the doing-it-for-the-’Gram identities of some of our musical heroes’ furry friends.

I had had enough.

“We’re Birthplace Magazine!” I growled at the morning edit meeting, which consisted of me. “We represent all that is holy about our music and culture, holding the legacy of its birthplace on our shoulders! We can’t allow these grandfather publications to continue to out-innovate us! There’s more to this story, I can feel it in my bones!”

And with that, I quickly embarked on a mission to retrieve the truth. I did a little backyard digging, and realized XXL had dropped the ball, give me the ball, drop the ball! They were color-blind to the deeper story, but I was able to sniff out what was lost under the couch for two months, and still eat it.

Here’s what I found.

“Sometimes it gets rough,” admitted Maxx*, who agreed to speak to me about his life as a rapper dog. “He’s great when he’s around, but the long tours keep him away a lot. So I tend to get into trouble. Bitches come over. They fetch the balls, share the bone. Next thing you know, I’m getting barked at by his cousin. I mean, I get it, I don’t know why I must be like that, but you know what they say… Idle paws are the Devil’s playgroud.”

It was a tale I heard repeated several times by the furry partners of some of rap’s top dog superstars. A story of tail-wagging highs, and whimpering lows. An existence that can change from filet mignon scraps and herb-smoke-blown-in-your-face delight, to scrounging under the coffee table for leftover kibble, with nary a sparkled video vixen to scruff one’s handsome neck in sight.

“When there are all the humans around, it’s great!” Maxx admitted. “Music, food, spilled draaank… So many pettings! I can even jump on the couch! But afterwards… The next morning, when he’s hungover… And I really gotta pee…. Not cool.”

Maxx recalls one incident, after a particularly raucous shindig, when nature was calling, and would not be denied.

“I whimpered at him while he was asleep. It was a while but I don’t know for how many minutes because I can’t count and I have no concept of time. When he finally stirred, he knew what I wanted. He even said to me, ‘You wanna go outside?!’ Oh did I! DID I!! I ran from the room to the back door where we go outside from and waited. I was so excited to pee, I almost peed!”

Maxx waited. Tail wagging swiftly at first, then less so. Soon, slowing almost to a halt. Tentative. Then, not at all.

His lyrical miracle spiritual leader never came.

Maxx returned to the bedroom, worried, knowing nothing short of a major catastrophe could have possibly befallen his owner, else he would not have broken his solemn promise to his hairy soulmate.

What he found was harsh indeed.

“He fell back asleep,” Maxx remembered, with a snort of disgust. “So I pissed on his fucking coat.”

It’s true, some of the Instagram accounts of your favorite rappers pets demonstrate a loving bond between beast and beast on the mic, but if you look past the photos, past the yo-delete-that-one-I-blinked images, you might uncover a complicated, troubled relationship.

A relationship that can’t be fixed by a filter.

* Maxx’s name was changed to protect the identity of our source. It should be noted that while yes, dogs are man’s best friend, so are Smoked Hickory Flavored Dog Biscuits. Your dog, like your girl, will dry snitch for a few treats and a belly rub. Be warned.